X RAY

Dr. Paul is well dressed. The tie matched the shirt, and the shirt actually mathced the pants. He is in his early thirties. Handsome, many would say. With big blue eyes, his handshake is firm not as some would give, slimy like caterpilla. And he happened to be the examiner, who ordered me to strip to my underdies.

To be honest, I'd rather prefer some fifty years old woman examine me rather than this somewhat pretty boy doctor in his thirties. I have no doubt now, why handsome doctor always attracts female. Pity he graduated from Uni of Sydney, not UNSW. I could imagine the face of all those sydney graudates. T_T

"Which uni are you from?"

"University of Sydney."

"I am sorry?"

"University of Sydney."

"Yes, I heard you. I am just .. sorry."

how classic, that's one of the skit we have in the revue 2003, the year I was in the cast. Am I doing it again, hell knows. But I am surely going to rock up in the AGM somewhere week 2.

So it was kinda not too comfortable, good thing is, it takes less than ten minutes, and he knows about vitiligo, so saves me time explaining. So everything went ok, except skin, which he reckon, wouldn't have any impact on my application.

The HIV test somehow is bit scary. Blood, lots of blood, some told me. but in the end it was merely 8ml. But seeing my own blood for the first time in larger than a drop size, it's kinda. "oh, wa, wu, that's my blood look like, when they in a jar. Dense. like tomato juice." they have to make me tick, i understand what HIV is, what does positive and what does negative means. They say the result is instant, but they didn't give it back to me. nor do i care.

death.

HIV is probably worth than death. you can't kiss no more the girl you love. in fact, you can't even pursue a girl. Diana being really brave about touching HIV infected kids. And in theory, it shouldn't matter, so long there is no french kiss or some intercourse or blood transmission. but the thought is scary isn't it? Someone in this room, might have HIV virus.

dark.

this is dark side of the life. which one don't often think. but if you are given an essay "what if i have hiv positive?" no one would feel comfortable to write about it. I am afraid being blind. Because blind is probably as bad as HIV if not worse.

amazingly, i have thought about things to do in case i am blind. playing musical instrument, reading and writing, lucky i learned touch typing, i can 'blind type' literally. enjoying musics ... but one would ask, why on earth you think about those things you are afraid it's going to happen but very unlikely to happen. well, that's just life.

imagine if you die today. can you imagine the things behind you need to be dealt with. your rent, telephone bill. which things go to who. you'd want to have something said to others. but when accident happens, nothing can help.

so wouldn't it be nice to write will even at the age of 23. before my parents heading for a wedding in singapore, my mum indeed share the same concern, detailing how to open the safe at home, so i can open it, in case of air plane crash, which is not that common nowadays. but yes, that's how modern insurance is borned.

it is only a responsible act to buy life insurance after you married the women you love. in case you die, she wouldn't be in financial debt for few years. Then three four years later, likely she'll re-marry. And that's just life.

I have thought about constructing a website, whatifidietomorrow.blogspot.com but then again, if i do. on it, you probably find some final words i would want to say to my friends, that i don't want to say to them now. and the address must be told to a person. if i tell the address to a person, there is no way i can be sure, that he or her wouldn't read it themselves. to do it with a laywer, cost too much for student, and for an idea like that. so it's been put off.

Eccentric. sometimes, i am not even dare to reveal those thoughts. After all, they are, eccentric. not kinda general thing you'd hear from friend in the bar. Two friends went to the rock, ordered to VB, one goes, "hey, Geogre, have you written your will yet? I think you probably should write one, you might die tonight, you never know." err.. nope.

But the astonishing fact is, everyone has some eccentric or plainly weird ideas. They do, they just never reveal as much. Because they know reveal those ideas would only decrease their popularities. They want to be regarded as normal. Everyone does. So to protect their status, they said nothing. Just like how many people wouldn't tell you they do self-talk when there is no one watching. Trust me, no one would walk to you and tell you they do self talk, unless you ask. But surprisingly many do.

I think i had a great day, no reason for all those pesimmist like thoughts. the medical take less than an hour. fast, efficient. Dropped my police report to Wynard. The only thing left is two cheques and birth certificate. tonight probably go to pencake for dinner with kosol, ... & possibly bex.

next week, everything would happen. money, house, application, if you count Sunday as the starting day of the week.

The X ray takes only a second.