Coogee Sunrise

6:59am - Tuesday 1 Feb 2005

Morning Mincong:

Right now you are probably still asleep. I had a dream this morning,
which woke me up exceptionally early. I dreamed about you, it's vivid,
full of colours.

It has been nearly a year since we went on separated ways. We
haven't properly talked for a long time. I missed you more than
anything in the last 11 months. I don't want to startle you or
anything. I just thought it's time to let you know what happened since
last March that you might not be aware of.

1 March 04 - I wore a thick jacket, underneath a blue focus group
shirt (though not Christian). Your're wearing a white jacket, together
with friends in front of library. I thought I must be mistaken,
because when I approached you, you seem to hide me from your friends,
as if an embarrassment. Later I know it's true, you want to go on
separate ways.

"I have to go." moments later your white Shadow disappeared in
Mouven Brown. I don't know what happened to me next, tears just can't
stop falling down. My vision blurred, my body trembled. Ironically,
when I open my eyes, all I can see is green smeared everywhere. (trees
and tears, i.e.) Of course, I never told you, maybe because I think
it's a sign of weakness. I decided to act like what suppose to happen,
don't contact you, don't give you hassles. I understand to make a
decision like this, it's hard on you too. 14 days of silence, you've
no idea how I felt in those days. Though I wanted to call you that
time to tell you how much I needed you, I don't want let you go, but I
didn't, just remained in silence, it's about the only right thing I
can do I guess. Unexpectedly, you talked me to one day on MSN, wishing
to return something to me. My stomach tightened, I thought you are
going to return those things that I gave you, I am very sad.

The date we scheduled to meet is a Friday, 14th March 2004. I want
to do something to impress you on that day. I chucked $380 and got
myself a new pants, new shirt and a pair of new shoes. In addition, I
coloured my hair to blue. Then it comes, 14th of March. I arrived
E-spot about 15 minutes early. Walking up and down many times. In the
end, found you, your friends and your bandage on your arm. You just
gave blood that day. You wear light green top, mid-shorts that just
covered your knees, you look pretty as ever, you are so lively and
happy that day. Soon, you pulled out the books I lent you. To my great
relief, it wasn't something I am afraid you'd give back to me.

But, that day I met Jamie, who helped me over the time ever since.
Ironically, I think I met David too, on that Friday of Week 2.
Sometimes I am surprised my memory of that day is so vivid, though
it's almost been a year ago. I asked you, can I call you? You said
yes. I am so happy, but now I realise, I had a bad understanding that
time.

One fine day, March 2004. I accidentally met you in Spoons while
looking for a terminal. That's the last time I remembered that we
actually talked (not on the surface level). My heart beats so fast,
just excited to see you and talk to you. I sent you off to library
after. It's a great day.

I am sorry, I lied to you about many things. For example, CSE print
quota can never be transferred. I simply bought 500 pages for you and
then claim it is from my account where 2000 pages waited to be
printed. I never needed Matalab too, I bought it because I can lend it
to you, enable me to see you, and when you return I can see you one
more time.

I believe I've done everything right in the first fourteen days. But
after, my blind affection starts to take over. I want to see you so
desperately, I would turn up in your lab, waiting for you to come.
Even though I know it's only once a week, but later I know it's
referred as 'stalking', a word that I am have intention to be
associated with. But gladly, I still have conscious, I called you on a
remote once every fortnightly basis. Where in my mind, I wished I
could call every day. Initially, we can still talk for ten fifteen
minutes, which really makes my heart sing. But everything changed
after you stayed over in your friends' place while your parents are
away.

One months later, April 2004. I got to know you're seeing someone
else. You've no idea how shocking that news is to me. I am still not
over the fact we split up, you already seeing someone else. Damn Full
Time Worker, I thought in my mind, but felt utterly helpless. There is
nothing I can do apart from feeling sad and sadder. I remember
clearly, since then, we are unable to talk anything in depth.
Conversation can't be hold more than two minutes. It's an extremely
sad period for me. You are going out with someone, I kept on telling
myself, just a month after the one way break up. Of course, again, I
never told you that I know. I pretend nothing has happened, and to
pretend pains me a lot.

Time passed a little quicker after that, May, June, July ... I start
calling you less and less. Not because I don't want to talk to you,
but every time I call, I got heartache, that sadly we can no longer
communicate as friend, you seem awkward when talking to me. You don't
want to receive calls from me, I finally realised.

And it is since then, I am not too sure that I want to see you. It
is uncommon for others to see me leave the spot upon your arrival.
Suddenly left. I wanted to see you, even just to look at your face
from distance for a brief while. But I know, like the phone calls, you
don't wish to see me. Seeing someone you like whodoesn't enjoying
seeing yourself is plainly a dilemma. I had this problem for a long
time, even to date. I am sad that we can't see each other normally, we
were once together.

Not knowing when, you are suddenly going out with David. I remember
seeing you go through David's wallet in Mathew. That brought my memory
right back to 7th Jan 2004, the day that you went through my wallet.
How I wish, I can swap position with David that instance. It's been
nearly six months, isn't it? Somehow, I always get to know this soon
after it happened. Kind of information that desperate wish to know,
but don't, once known. I always had trouble, when I imagined you and
David being intimately together, the image troubles my mind greatly.
But it comes to my mind without invitation, I hate it.

I have never obsessed with someone for so long. My affection towards
you never faded even a tiny bit since March last year. Sometimes I
thought why I can't get over you is because, we don't talk any more. I
felt like we are just like strangers. The sharp contrast before /
after saddens me.

For a long time, I wished to tell you how I felt. But I didn't,
because I am afraid that it'll jeopardise our friendship. But now I
realise I have nothing to loose. You know, we talked less than half an
hour in the last six months, and what kind of friendship is it? I'd
rather call it acquaintances, maybe not even that.

I am sorry that I have done foolish things in the past. Like staying
in the lab watching you coding your assignment. When I know you are
clearly stressed by the assignment and wished no one is watching.
Forgive me, green, I just want to see you that time, badly. Like a man
about to drown, he'll hold everything he could.

Winter is coming. I decided to make you something that you'll
accept. Something not expensive, but shows my effort. A scarf, but
only problem is that I don't know how to knit. Later, I spent an
afternoon with a friend, then I learnt it. Months later, a 1.70m white
scarf is made. By that time, you are already not attending the labs,
probably avoid seeing me there. I don't know how can I give the scarf
to you. Then a miracle happened. Sun - bathing at the Quad Lawn with
aim, then suddenly a girl in Red coat appear in front of me, just when
I turned my head. It was you. I can't believe my eyes, it was a
tuesday, if I remembered correctly. Even though your first two lines
of comment is: What the heck? What the heck? I am still glad that you
have accepted it. Sadly, you never wore it.

Next up, your birthday. I kinda feel it's a perfect excuse for
making you something. If I send you out of the blue, you might feel
suspicious that I am still not over you. You probably know anyway. So
there is the 530 album. Without a car, it's difficult to get down to
beach before 5:30am, I one night, I asked kosol to stayed over, the
next morning, we woke up 4:30am and shot the album. On the exact day
you gave me my birthday gift last year, I sent the photos to America
(Apple) for binding. Only one problem, they don't ship to Australia.
Then I asked them to send to Bristol UK, where my friend sent it back
to Sydney via Royal Mail. It is not in vain, you liked it, I guess.
Though I was hoping for a hug. After all that's all I can wish for for
now. I still remember the first time you hugged me, it was in Xmas eve
2003, near China town. Without warning, you hugged me, I felt warmth
in my heart.

I love you, green. More than any girl on this planet. I love you so
blindly that obsession doesn't wear off 11 months, and counting. You
know in your life, to some you are perfect, from every angle you look,
about everything you do. And I am one of them. Sometimes Caroline
would joke with me that I fell in love with a girl has 'African Nose'.
I said, it makes you look exotic, I love it. You know there are two
things in my university life that is absolutely unforgettable. One of
them is the revue, the other one is you.

Last month, upon realization, I took your picture off my wall, my
phone & just about everywhere. But it doesn't work, I still can't stop
thinking about you every now and then. I wish I can be brainwashed
sometimes, clear all the memory that are associated with you, then I
could become happier, get over you and move on. Sometimes even when I
wanted to have a new relationship, I found myself couldn't. It'll be
really irresponsible, to have a relationship with someone while still
can't forget your old love.

Memory just come to me like flood at some of the nights. I remember
the time when you taught me "It's bat." when you hold my arm walking
under the dimly lit sky, the time we hold hand, until we both couldn't
feel them any more, the time we walked naked foot in many beach, lean
back to back on the rock and witness a wedding on new years day, the
time I first lifted you on top of webster building, the time I hold
you closely at Quad lawn, the time I kissed you under the Federation
Way and the time we refuse to say goodbye to each other on msn & need
to count down from five to end the conversation. All beautiful
memories that I cannot possibly forget. Does that sound remote to you?
It's been nearly a year after all.

Having coffee with Lily and Dan, Dan pulled out a Hungry Jacks
(Burger King) Voucher, that has special discount and with a label,
expires ... ... (meaning won't expire). I tried to pull something out
like that too from my wallet, and find out the Adult Screen Savers
that expired 31 October 2004. "Why don't you throw it out?" I didn't
tell them, it's the one you gave me on the Jan 7th 2004. I always kept
it, and never threw it away. So does the leaf, the leaf that fly down
from the trees, fall in between us while we seated on a bench outside
the National Gallery where we did a small dance that I absolutely
enjoyed. It is still kept inside of a thesaurus, but for some reason,
it is never flat.

This is the 7th page, I need to ask Athony for few more pages. (from
Coffee on Campus). I wrote to you every week, sometimes every day, I
wrote them on paper. To date, I wrote fourty pages in ink. I never
showed them to you. Originally I was planning to give them to you on a
day when I decided to give up completely on this impossible mission,
hoping you back into my life. Now realise how childish I was, showing
you or not, won't make a difference. All it is written there is my
blinding love.

What pains me the most is my realization that no matter what I do,
we just can't get back together, not in this life time. You wouldn't
give me a second chance, even if you wished to, you have David now, an
intimate boyfriend. Such realisation came to me a little late, 11
months to be precise. Worse yet, conventionally, girls have problem
talking to their ex, most of them describe the experience, awkward.
You're glowing like star, Mincong. You joined revue, your exposure
increased dramatically, boys like to be with you. Even Joe (former
director) would want a piece of you, but then again, Joe is known for
as a flirtious man.

Suddenly I had a feeling of being Aladin, a poor street theif who
had three days romance with the pretty princess. And in the end, he
realises that the princess belong to the palace and princes not a
street theif. And they are not mean to be. That's how I felt, I felt
that you are increasingly unreachable. Like a star glowing beautifully
in the distance, but I can just never reach it.

I wan to thank you for everything that you gave to me, your care,
your warmth and your affections. Even though it's been just few short
months. Those memories would remain. I enjoyed the time being with
you. Now what shall I expect from you?

If Joel (your primary school friend), ever knows I fancy you to this
degree, he might laugh his teeth out. Mincong is just a normal girl,
he might say. Seeing you / talking to you is just common without
doubt. No big deal at all. I bet he would be surprsied to here someone
could possibly obsessed with you to this degree. That's the magic, if
we were stay as friend, we would probably still in contact, but I
didn't regret even a second. To love someone is a great feeling even
though it hurts as well too.

You never told me why you chose to leave me. Maybe you don't want to
hurt me telling me I am not good enough. But you don't understand, the
only thing I wished to hear is the truth, it might hurt, but it can
only help me get over you sooner. It took me nearly half a year to
figure out the reason before the split. I keep on telling myself, I
can change, I can improve. There is nothing can't be changed. Jamie
suggested otherwise, physical version of love and attraction,
chemistry as Hollywood put it. But it can't be, we were initially
attracted to each other. The more I think on that path, the more
miserable I am. So I better tell myself, no matter how hard I try, the
outcome is still the same. Logically, that will leave me stop trying
and move on with my life.

I feel much better now, after I told you all the things. Wait, there
is one exception. Jan 2004, I wrote a letter saying that I am truly
grateful that to have you with me, I know I don't really deserve you,
I would try to treasure this relationship and improve myself. Also I
wrote that I really liked you. But unhappy with my own words, I sent
it to a friend who's travelling over Darwin. At the time, I thought
you like Shakespeare, I gave him direction, Shakespeare-ish. So the
end result is what you see: " ... your kiss is sweet as summer wine,
it is my only hope, wish and dream, that I could be yours and you
could be mine." though sharply different from what I originally wrote
him, but I accepted simply because it sounds nice. Which later, I
discovered as a big mistake. You can rest assure, this letter is
entirely written by my own started 6:59am in front of CSE, on a coffee
table. It took me almost an hour an half just to retype those ten
pages of handwritten letters.

Looking into the future. As the head of costume, if I do ever join
revue cast, we would meet. I once wanted to flee like I always do. But
what's good about escaping. I should face you. In my wild dream, that
we can still be good friends, though I know it's not possible. I guess
all I wanted these time is just a hug, a desire to be embrased by the
ones I love and hence feel warmth. I felt cold by the way you treated
me, not you can control it, I know it was never your intention. I
think I need a hug, though I would probably hold you tightly and do
not wish let go. Or maybe you can just tell me everything on your end.
Somehow I have this idea, if we are both open to each other about what
we think, we can eventually become friend, friend that can talk to
each other, and enjoy each other's accompany and certainly not feeling
awkward seeing each other.

Got time next week, we can have lunch in Hyde Park, I'd bring some
sandwich and juice. Just lunch on the grass, talk about few things
like old friend met each other again for a long time.

Just hours ago, you stood behind me, you gave me your hand to hold.
I try to grab it, it feels so soft, I don't want let it go, I feel
warm inside the moment I touched your hand. Soon, there is light, it
was a dream. A dream that eruppted thoughts that have been hidden
inside for a year. Walking along the Coogee Beach, facing the sunrise,
I know today would be a different day.

yours,
bohan